When you look at a picture like this, what is your first thought? Pretty? Funny? Happy? Maybe some other nice adjective? I can tell you one thing for sure. Those words never went through my head when I was younger. Whether looking at a picture of myself like the one above or just seeing myself in the mirror, the words that always traveled through my head were things like ugly, worthless, small, stupid and crazy.
People have always called me crazy. And in a sense, I guess they’re right. I’m a bit of a silly one. I remember last year when I was at a college campus for German Day, I walked around after my event and talked to literally everyone that passed me in a British accent, just to throw them off and be funny. I love meeting new people and I’m usually very hyper, which annoys people sometimes. Sometimes I guess it annoys people too much. One day in third grade I was talking to a friend about something. I was talking really fast and I guess I was annoying him. He all of a sudden lashed out at me and yelled. “Why can’t you just SHUT UP!? Get out of here! You’re ugly!” (I guess he wasn’t really a good friend…)
That was the first time that that had ever happened to me. I remember just standing there for a moment before I turned around and ran away, trying to hide the fact that I was about to cry. People had said some hurtful things before, but it never had really gotten to me up until then. Then, it hurt. It hurt really badly.
I’m adopted and I’ve had a rough past. If you know anything about Reactive Attachment Disorder which is a condition found in kids who have received grossly negligent care and do not form a healthy emotional attachment, usually with their mothers, before the age of 5, knowing that I had it when I was younger can probably tell you a lot about what was going on for me. Because my birth parents abandoned me, I already had a feeling that I wasn’t wanted. What that boy had said to me sort of drove that awful nail home. He wanted me to shut up. He wanted me gone. And I believed it.